Love and Pain,
Happiness vs. Neediness

November 12, 2008


Unconditional Self Acceptance:
                              Illuminating Physical Experience
Illuminating Physical Experience by Foley, Shaffer & Davidsson

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Love and Pain, Happiness vs. Neediness II

Romantic Love can take us to some of the greatest heights we can experience as humans. It makes us feel fully alive, tingling with joy. Some psychics, like Barbara Brennan, observe that people in love radiate a powerful, contagious positive energy, and glow with a golden light.

But there are also pitfalls with romantic love - loving so much it hurts; becoming needy; "going crazy" or "getting weird."  Why do those things happen?  And can they be avoided?


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Flow of Human Life Force

One of the fundamental ways that falling in love affects us is that it alters the flow of our life force (prana).  There are both positive and problematic consequences to that.  On the positive note, it opens our chakras (energy centers) to greater flow of life force.  It also blows our hearts wide open.  (Have you ever noticed yourself becoming more sensual and alluring with people in general, not just your partner, when falling in love?)

Going Horizontal

That is all fine and well.  However, with the chakras getting blown open and focused on another person, the energy flow may become too horizontal rather than vertical.   I understand that "going horizontal" with the one you love sounds delightful.  But it can cause problems when it's your prana (life force) being re-directed that way.

The normal flow of prana through the human energy body and chakras is primarily vertical.  It needs to be so, because "heaven and earth" are the only replenishable sources of nurturing prana for our energy bodies, which in turn nurture our physical bodies.  Just as we breathe air through our lungs, we also breathe prana in and out through the tops of our heads and through our bottoms (perineum, point between genitals and anus).  We "breathe out" old spent prana and "breathe in" new, replenishing, invigorating and life-sustaining prana.

Prana (Life Force) from Spirit and Earth

If you are quick in the uptake, which I'm sure you are, you can probably already see where this is going.  When we fall in love and our prana becomes powerfully focused on another person, it may diminish the flow of nurturing, replenishable prana from "above and below," from Spirit and Earth.  At first it feels only blissful and wonderful.  Perhaps because it takes a while for the prana we already have to be depleted.  And instead of receiving the usual impersonal prana from Spirit and Earth, we get to experience a tantalizing exchange of personal life-force energy with another human being.

After some time, though, if the replenishment of prana from Spirit and Earth continues to be drastically diminished over a long period of time, an emptiness starts building in us that needs filling with new life-force energy.  The problem arises if, at that point, we have gotten stuck in the in-love-mode to the point where we are unable to switch the flow of prana from horizontal to vertical.

Horizontal Flow of Life Force (Prana) Resulting in Neediness & Pain
Placing Our Loved One in the Place of God

If we are stuck in a horizontal flow of life-force, then the source of replenishment becomes the person we are in love with.  We begin to need them to fill the emptiness and lack of life-force inside of us.  For all practical purposes, we place the person we are in love with in the place of God, because we expect them to replace God as our source of spiritual life force.  And what's more, we begin hold them to God-like standards, which are impossible for any limited human being to live up to.

As a side note, this horizontalization of the flow of prana is also the true issue with idolatry, and why we "should have no other God" than Universal Spirit.  The problem may be particularly pronounced in romantic love situations, but we also see it in blind guru devotion or other situation where a human, animal, thing or a cause becomes the object of our worship in place of God / Universal Spirit.

Returning to the romantic love situation, depending on how severe the constriction of flow from Spirit and Earth has become, we may experience any degree of neediness and clinginess in our relationship with that "wonderful" other person.

The lack of life force (prana) within us, from Spirit and Earth, can also be excruciatingly painful.  Especially if we are someone who's been previously used to a strong flow of prana from above and below.  Being cut off from the sources of healthy prana when our energies start flowing horizontal instead of vertical can be quite maddening.

The person we are in love with, in turn, will probably experience our needs and expectations as more or less impossible to fulfill or live up to.  Naturally so, because their energy body is not designed to serve as a conduit to provide someone else with life-force / prana.  And also because, in real practical terms, they find it impossible to live up to the God-like expectations we place on them.

Being Loved & Needed

Let's turn the tables.  Say that you are the person that someone else is in love with.  It may become more or less unbearable for you to face the unreasonable expectations and neediness of that other person when they make you the only source of their "inner fulfillment."  After the initial stage of feeling uplifted by the flattering attention, later you may begin to feel "sucked dry", drained, or suffocated by this other person.


A third scenario may be that both are in love.  Then it doubly compounds the situation because neither one is getting any new, refreshing life-force energy from Spirit or Earth.  A co-dependency may develop which can be anywhere from mild, to severe and bitter with a lot of aggressive sparring and blame exchanged.

Meditation as Solution

The solution of course is that when falling in love, we practice some form of meditation focused on the flow of prana to and from above (Spirit) and below (Earth).  This needs to be done daily.  If you have trouble doing it by yourself, there are meditation teachers in practically every town able to help you.

Other Pitfalls with Falling in Love

In addition to having our energies "going horizontal," there are two other pitfalls with "falling in love."  One is the amplification of pre-existing "issues" - spiritual, psychological, emotional and mental.  The other is the opening up of our subconscious - which actually is not a bad thing at all but it can cause problems.

Amplification of Pre-existing Issues

Let's begin with the first one - the amplification of pre-existing issues.  As mentioned in the beginning of this article, when we fall in love, our chakras (energy centers) open up to a much greater flow of prana (life force energy).  However, the chakras are not free from debris.  There are clots of congested energy in there that may block, hinder or divert the flow of prana.  When the flow of prana tries to increase, it may push on these clots with greatly magnified force.  This in turn magnifies the issues that these clots represent.

Emotional issues which we did not previously consider serious may suddenly explode, and things we weren't even aware of may become noticeable.  Maybe you never thought of yourself as the jealous type before but now that you're in love, suddenly your heart fills with anguished pain whenever you see your loved one show affection toward someone else.  Or maybe your insecurity about how you look, which was never a big problem before, now gets blown out of proportion.  These are just two very mild and simple examples.  The issues that are magnified are often a lot more complicated, even "weird."

The first "problem" had a simple solution.  This second one does not.  We simply have to face our issues as they come up and work through them.  It's important to note, though, that the amplification of small issues may be permanent.   What this means is two things.  1) It give us the opportunity to work through small issues we didn't even know we had because it makes them much larger so we can't ignore them, and 2) It makes the issues a lot more challenging to deal with because once the genie is out of the bottle so to speak, huge and full-blown, you can't stuff it back into the same small space it came from and pretend it doesn't exist anymore.

Opening up to Our Subconscious

The third problem, which is really not a problem as much as a challenging side effect, is the opening up of our subconscious.  There are three aspects to our consciousness:  

  • Subconscious: Unconscious part of incarnate mind. Includes instincts, reflexes, some emotions, and a lot of suppressed or unrecalled memories and programming.
  • Conscious mind: The aware and thinking part of incarnate mind.
  • Higher Self: Aspect of Self not incarnated. Conscious of oneness with the Universe / God.

Under normal circumstances, these three aspects are effectively separated as part of the normal vertical mode of the human energy system.  But when we fall in love and our energy begins to flow more horizontal than vertical, a side effect may be that the separation of the three aspects of self breaks down or weakens.

Several things may occur as a result of this.  As we come more in contact with our Higher Self, we may start becoming aware of things that were previously only known to that larger aspect of ourselves (Higher Self).  Past life memories may begin to surface, in particular memories of us and the person we are in love with from other lifetimes.

Opening up to our subconscious may have the effect of us opening up to the other person, sometimes uncontrollably, and telling them all kinds of things we've never told anyone before.  The things we say may even surprise us because they may be things we didn't even know where in us.  They may be things from our subconscious and/or Higher Self that were previously unknown to us, which we're only now discovering because "falling in love" has opened us up to our subconscious and Higher Self.

As I said before, this is not necessarily a problem.  It may even be a good thing.  Especially if we have an understanding partner who is okay with some "weirdness" surfacing from our subconscious.  Perhaps this can even be an alternative way of emptying the subconscious and avoid having to experience The Long dark Night of the Soul as part of our spiritual development.  (I'm not sure if the two experiences are substitutable and The Long Dark Night of the Soul is avoidable.  I'm only speculating.)

Conclusion - Balance in Love

So by all means, seek the joy of romantic love in your life.  As mentioned, it may even be a way to blaze through the same spiritual transformation as The Long Dark Night of the Soul in a much more enjoyable and pleasurable way.  And now that you hopefully have learned a little bit more about the nature of the pitfalls with falling-in-love, I hope that may help you to more fully enjoy the experience.



By the author of "Illuminating Physical Experience"


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Copyright © 2008-2013 Kent Davidsson & Unconditional Self Acceptance Co. all written material on including "Love and Pain, Happiness vs. Neediness (Metaphysical)."